Manly food

As if I didn't have a masculine enough persona (what with my penchant for bubble baths and bath salts), I now have fallen in love with yogurt. I just tried yogurt for the first time in probably 25 years the other day and I'll be damned if it isn't just the most fantastic treat ever created.

Despite the fact that when I eat yogurt my self image goes from this to this, I can take solace in the fact that yogurt is better for me than any of the other treats I jam down my throat in a given day, namely:

• Fruit Gushers
• Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
• Chocolate chip cookies
• Spam - the miracle meat

I admit, that I have a terrible fear of yogurts with the fruit at the bottom. The mere site of them sends me into an uncontrollable dry heave. I'm seeking help for this by watching highly informative and inspirational Jerry Springer shows.

Any way, try some yogurt today. You and your taste buds will be happy you did.

The newest member of the Obama Administration: Dr. Phil

With all the recent news and speculation about who will be selected to be a member of President-elect Obama’s administration, I couldn’t help but rack my brain to come up with suggestions. After much critical thinking and drooling, it hit me: President-elect Obama should appoint Dr. Phil McGraw to head up a newly formed Department of Pseudo-psychology.

You see, if Dr. Phil has the psychological prowess to diagnose, rehabilitate and embarrass even the most hardened psychopath in the span of a 60 minutes just think what he could do with national issues – I’m not sure which national issues, but I’m sure he can handle them. Ok, here’s the bottom line: intellectual capacity like Dr. Phil’s cannot go to waste. So I propose we make up a department he can head up and help Americans with all sorts of stuff: the Department of Pseudo-psychology.

The Department of Pseudo-psychology could have countless roles in this administration. It could help politicians, business leaders and news anchors with self esteem issues. It could promote the use of country clichés to combat depression. It could even establish a national hugathon to help payoff the national debt.

Of course, Dr. Phil would be the main weapon of this exciting new department. I see him working closely with the Department of Education to improve mathematic performance - “Those video games aren’t going to help you get a job, Johnny. Your math is” (Audience applause). I see him coordinating his efforts with the Department of Health and Human Services to reduce the obesity epidemic - “You aren’t gonna be any happier by just feeding your face. So snap out of it” (Audience applause).

But, probably his most important role in the administration will be to work one-on-one with foreign enemies to improve their view of Americans. Just imagine if Dr. Phil could get Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to sit on his couch and talk to him. “Now Mahmoud, do you feel loved? Cause I get the sense that you really need a hug. And that’s ok. I am here for you.” (Audience applause)

If you aren’t convinced already, you will be after this crucial point: the appointment of Dr. Phil and his magical mustache to the Obama Administration would add an aura of credibility to an administration severely lacking in facial hair.

As Obama’s administration takes shape, let’s hope he heeds my words. America and the world needs Dr. Phil.

Hyper update

• Working on 15-page research paper on the Patriot Act and its impact on privacy


• Saw sunrise this morning


• At office now, creating web pages


• Need to shave


• Look like a cross between Forrest Gump when he is running for 2 years and a dark-haired Opy from the Andy Griffith show


• I am in love with this man:

Long John Silver

Startling confession: I am an obsessive compulsive "Long John" wearer. From November through March, my body is eternally hugged by an awesome set of thermal pants and shirts. I just love the snug feeling, the loving embrace if you will of those things.

I'm a firm believer in layers to beat the frigid cold of our winters here in Cleveland. My long johns really keep me warm and enable me to leave the house without putting on a 10 pound winter coat. And the best thing is: long johns are appropriate for all occassions because they are hidden safely beneath any clothing you care to wear. Even when I go into the office dressed in bland business casual wardrobe, I've got those toasty suckers on (I admit, the temperate 70 degree atmosphere of my office makes me sweat).

Now, If I could find an affordable full body pajama, like tots wear - but for adults, I would ABSOLUTELY buy one to sleep in. It would be the perfect addition to my winter wardrobe. Or even one of those one-piece undergarments the folks in the Wild West used to wear, you know, with the little flap on the butt that you can open to do your number 2 duty. I realize I would look preposterous wearing one, but I'll be damned if I didn't end up a preposterous looking guy who was really warm!