Jonathan Bell 3:16

WARNING: Many followers of real religions such as Catholicism, Protestantism, The Church of Latter Day Saints, Islam and Judaism are being mislead! I know this to be true, because I heard this powerful news directly from the most incredible prophet to hit public access television: Jonathan Bell – the fuzzy-haired Dallas TV evangelist.

After hearing the tempestuous religi-geek speak, I don't know how I lived my first 32-years at all. His words of spiritual love are so inspiring and fill me so full of religious fervor that I just want to give him a really aggressive noogy. Preacher Bell is real religion: bad hair, repressed teen angst and screaming.

But don’t take my word for it. Please listen to clips from the divine sermons of tele-apostle Jonathan Bell:



What you’ll glean from this montage of preaching are the seven awesome commandments of Jonathan Bell:

1. Thou shalt not go to church on Sunday and think that thou art doing God a big favor.
2. Thou shalt not put only 2 bucks on the offering plate and think that everything is just cool.
3. Thou shalt not sacrifice babies and melt those babies into candles to give thou more demonic power.
4. Thou shalt not show up at Jonathan Bell’s door and threaten his life.
5. Thou shalt not laugh at Jonathan Bell, thou idiot.
6. Thou shalt not be fat and sit on the couch eating Doritos.
7. Thou shalt not look for love in a gay bar because there is no love there, and thou KNOW IT!

I’ve tried desperately to adhere to these commandments, of course. I admit, though, I am struggling with the urge to violate the fourth commandment. Don't worry, I have been taking massive doses of anti-schizophrenic pills to curb such thoughts. I just don’t want to let Mr. Bell down.

Please, my lost brothers and sisters, find your way! Review the seven commandments on a daily basis. I would hate for some evil demon to take over your soul or worse yet – a Satanist to melt you into a candle!

The semi-annual CAA Awards

It's that time of year again: Time to hand out the prestigious Cowboy Ace Anderson Awards! Let's get right too this thing:

The CAA award for best audition: the karate geeks of Hollywood Hills



The CAA award for best murder scene: Silent Night Deadly Night 2



The CAA award for funniest soundboard prank: Celebrity prank calling (Dr. Phil)



The CAA award for dramatic excellence: Troll 2



The CAA award for most awesome rock performance: Some Swedish rock band




The CAA award for funniest car theft: stupid teen "ghosting"




The CAA award for most honest NFL post-game interview: Jim Mora




The CAA Lifetime Achievement award: Tourettes Guy (may he rest in peace)



Congratulations to all of the recipients. Your commitment to excellence is inspiring. if you have any questions about how YOU can be a potential CAA winner, simply do something stupid, post it on Youtube and leave a comment. I will do my best to add you to the sophisticated award review process.

* NOTE: All awards are spiritual in nature and have no monetary or psychological benefits what so ever. We cannot be held responsible for any consequences associated with your winning a CAA.