Jonathan Bell 3:16

WARNING: Many followers of real religions such as Catholicism, Protestantism, The Church of Latter Day Saints, Islam and Judaism are being mislead! I know this to be true, because I heard this powerful news directly from the most incredible prophet to hit public access television: Jonathan Bell – the fuzzy-haired Dallas TV evangelist.

After hearing the tempestuous religi-geek speak, I don't know how I lived my first 32-years at all. His words of spiritual love are so inspiring and fill me so full of religious fervor that I just want to give him a really aggressive noogy. Preacher Bell is real religion: bad hair, repressed teen angst and screaming.

But don’t take my word for it. Please listen to clips from the divine sermons of tele-apostle Jonathan Bell:



What you’ll glean from this montage of preaching are the seven awesome commandments of Jonathan Bell:

1. Thou shalt not go to church on Sunday and think that thou art doing God a big favor.
2. Thou shalt not put only 2 bucks on the offering plate and think that everything is just cool.
3. Thou shalt not sacrifice babies and melt those babies into candles to give thou more demonic power.
4. Thou shalt not show up at Jonathan Bell’s door and threaten his life.
5. Thou shalt not laugh at Jonathan Bell, thou idiot.
6. Thou shalt not be fat and sit on the couch eating Doritos.
7. Thou shalt not look for love in a gay bar because there is no love there, and thou KNOW IT!

I’ve tried desperately to adhere to these commandments, of course. I admit, though, I am struggling with the urge to violate the fourth commandment. Don't worry, I have been taking massive doses of anti-schizophrenic pills to curb such thoughts. I just don’t want to let Mr. Bell down.

Please, my lost brothers and sisters, find your way! Review the seven commandments on a daily basis. I would hate for some evil demon to take over your soul or worse yet – a Satanist to melt you into a candle!