It takes a village...of hillbillies

An interesting phenomonen is sweeping America: Some powerful pickup trucks have recently grown long, dangling testicles. Whether you’re on Interstate 90 in Ashtabula County, Ohio, or the backroads of Appalachian Tennessee, you can see these well-endowed pickup trucks zooming past you, leaving you in a wake of Nascar exhilaration and cigarette smoke.

Of course, not everyone drives trucks with testicles. No. It takes a certain type of person: the few, the proud, the hillbilly. Not happy with the standard hallmarks of hillbilly pride (Nascar t-shirts with cut off sleeves, Rebel flags flapping in the wind, television sets on the front porches), some men are now proclaiming their intense hillbilliness by adding prosthetic testicles to their trucks.

I think the theory is that these testicles artistically symbolize the driver and the pickup truck’s “power,” “manliness.” But they just really annoy me. I mean everybody knows testicles are ugly, and I don’t want to be reminded of my anatomical ugliness when I’m driving down the road, trying to find a good radio station, text my pals and eat yogurt all at the same time. You know?

And any way, I have found it much easier and classy to demonstrate my scrotal fortitude by trimming my nose hairs, going to batting cages or writing something. I don’t need to attach a pair of highly realistic balls to my car.

I never thought I’d say this: I wish we could just go back to the days when overly self-indulgent sports cars were the way to symbolize a driver’s latent manliness... At least, then I didn’t have to actually see anything.